AJ and a LATTE

I recently read a book (The Midnight Library by Matt Haig) that dealt with a young woman who decided she no longer wanted to live.  She was transported to The Midnight Library and got the opportunity to live out different lives that occurred due to her different choices.  (I am being vague because I don’t want to be a spoiler.)  This book stopped me in my tracks.  I have been relatively candid about all of the change in my life.  Things are still shifting as I write this today.  Beyond retiring, the kid getting married and moving, changing jobs, not teaching privately, parents going through illness, death of spouse’s mom, etc., I am now shifting more things around.  I will begin teaching privately again this year (flute only-for now), I’ll work some with the Abernathy Band doing sectionals, and there will be more as I go.  

With life being fluid, I sat thinking about my regrets.  My beloved old broad, my grandmother, died with a list of regrets.  She had many things she wished she could do over.  I grieved for her not having gotten to live out her best life.  I don’t know what all she would have changed, nor do I know if her life would have been any better.  I decided that I didn’t want to live with regrets and I most definitely didn’t want to die with them!  Yet I did nothing about it.  As I read this book, I took pause to think of the regrets I do have.  Most involve my use of time.  None of them can be “undone,” but I can begin working to redirect my life to not continue to repeat those regrets.  

I would love to go back and be a more present mother.  Did Kid grow up just fine? Yes, he is a great man with a fantastic life.  There are so many things I wish I had been more mentally present for, boundaries I wish I had drawn, conversations I wish I had made more time for, games I wish I had played, questions I wish I had asked.  I can’t change this, but I CAN be present for him and his wonderful wife now.  I can send cards and texts.  I can love on their furbabies.  I can be available. 

In my career, I made decisions based on other people’s opinions of my capabilities.  Did I love my career?  Yes!  Did I make a difference in the lives of those I taught?  I think so.  But now I have a blank slate.  I can teach privately.  I can go in as a clinician and work other groups.  I can even potentially add to my bag of tricks by adding piano lessons or flute ensemble lessons.  I can put myself out there more.  I don’t have to worry about balancing my lessons with my classroom anymore.  My only time constraint is when I clock out of my job and the amount of time it takes me to get home.  I can teach as many or as few as I wish…  It really is up to me. 

I regret some people who have slipped out of my life.  In the book Are You Mad at Me? by  Meg Josephson, she talks at length about living in a state of panic.  I identified so strongly with always trying to read the room and be what everyone needed at the time.  I think this came from so many years of trying to please my beloved old broad.  Maw was never quite happy enough.  She was looking for perfection in herself and in those around her.  Anything less was unacceptable, therefore, I was never quite good enough.  The people who have slipped out of my life were either placed there for a season, or I spent so much time trying to be the ideal friend that I didn’t stoke the fires of the friendship itself and let it fade.  Josephson talked about it being exhausting to participate in functions if the entire time is spent silently judging every move, every action, and every reaction that I make.  YES!!!  There are times when I avoided going places or doing things because it was simply exhausting!  I can correct that now.  I can pour into people in the ways that reflect who I am today.  I can’t change anything of the past but I can start new right now.  I love the written word.  I adore cards and letters.  I LOVE MAIL!  I can love on my people through cards and letters.  I can accept the invitations and just go in knowing that I may not be the hostess with the mostess or the life of the party…and I’m not expected to be.  I am being invited for ME.  Not a perfect version of me but the me that talks a little too loud and has a sarcastic comeback.  The me who loves too deeply to express so I refuse to show some emotions for fear that if I feel too deeply I might cry.  The me who wants to laugh and occasionally says terribly inappropriate, awkward things.  

Bottom line, I need to fall in love for the first time with myself.  I have done some study on internal family systems, and I need to let my little girl know that she is okay just like she is.  (IFS is a great system for dealing with emotions, trauma, everyday feelings.  The movie Inside Out is based on this concept.)  I can forgive myself for not being perfect and thank the parts of me who fought for that perfection for doing their job.  Then I can let them rest.  

I am seeking joy.  The best way to find is to search.  I am beginning that journey in the Word.  As I seek peace for myself I am going to wrap my Jesus around me and seek the joy that can fill all of the swiss cheese holes.  I want to radiate His light while I fall in love with the creature He created.  He has called me by MY name.  If I am good enough for Him, why can I not allow myself to be good enough for me?  So, I embark upon a journey of self-love and joy seeking.  Perhaps along the way I will fill some of those holes left by regret with new memories that absolve this imperfect creature of her past failures.  Perhaps I will find new facets of myself upon which to grab and grow.  Perhaps I will find new journeys that to this point I have been afraid to seek.

Until next time….