AJ and a LATTE

Vulnerable post ahead…yes, I’m an attention hog! :0)

Do you ever struggle with being significant?  With my personality, I have been in the public eye my whole life.  When I was little I was the kid whose parents divorced…how will she adjust?  Then I became the smart kid…will she be the top graduate? Next I was the musician…will she “make” it?  Well, I don’t know how well I adjusted (that situation didn’t resolve until I was well into my 30s) and I wasn’t the top graduate.  I didn’t “make it” as a professional musician, but I did teach kids which is EXACTLY what I always wanted to do.  

Then I became the hot mess I was in college…big mouth, big scrutiny.  You loved me or hated me and there was very little in between.  There are so many things I would change about that time in my life, but it all was scaffolding for who I became.  

I went home to start my teaching career, so I had so many preconceived standards to which I felt I had to meet.  In addition to my own bar, I was having to live up to what my teachers–now peers–felt I should be.  Since I was so young, every assignment was questioned by parents. Why is this “kid” giving my child homework?  Every innovative practice I tried was met with resistance; but I got results. When I went to my new school, I replaced a beloved member of a long time faculty.  Fitting in was HARD, y’all!  Every day I had to prove myself. Just as I got my feet on the ground I moved to elementary.  Again, I had to prove to others that I could start a program.  Moreover, I had to prove to MYSELF that I could do the little people!!! 

I know I touched lives.  I know that I am in a position now to be a support system to my colleagues and the students in the creative arts department, but sometimes I get blue.  What difference did I really make?  Do kids love music because I introduced it to them? Did I give them life lessons to help them not just survive but thrive?  Am I significant now? If I were to disappear, would it matter?  I think so, but there are days that I just get a little melancholy and contemplative.  Yes, I took my meds! Haha  Yes, I am an attention hog and need “atta girls.”  But sometimes don’t we all sit back and wonder where we fit?  How is my little piece of the puzzle fitting into the whole?  Am I in my niche or have I just found somewhere comfortable to pass the time?  

After a band trip where I saw how great our God is, I feel small.  That is a good thing. I am just a sliver of His creation. It is good to step back and look at where I am and what I’m doing.  It is good to look back and see your path.  It is good to look forward and continue along the path He has forged for me.  Just in deep thought lately.  Kind of in my feels.  This too, shall pass and I’ll return to my outward courageous lion.  Just letting my inner child do a little contemplating today…

Until next time…