AJ and a LATTE

Last night I talked to my flutes and let them know I am retiring in May.  Most already knew, but they hadn’t heard it from me.  Nothing can humble a soul like thinking news will be a “big deal,” and the response to the news being a shrug.  I guess I had secretly hoped there would be tears or some semblance of shock and horror that I would no longer be a daily fixture in the students’ lives.  Instead there was a small note of congratulations and the desire to move on with our rehearsal plans.  My goal has always been to create strong women (and men) who could stand on their own and simply know I am here as a safety net.  That is what I have done. Though my ego wanted feigned denial, my soul got what she longed for…fulfilment of my dreams for these kids.  

In the process of telling them, one asked about my blog.  It was then I realized that August was a long time ago.  The days are long but the time is so short.  My commitment to myself, to write and study, has waned as I have worked to go through the motions of day-to-day.  Perhaps getting back to “me” will help with the fatigue and the anxieties that plague some moments of my day. So the process of writing returns; yet what epiphany have I had to share? What has been lying on my heart to pen?  I had some fluff piece winding its way to my fingers when I saw “IT”…the looming “to do list.”  The question then popped into my head: when did our to do lists become longer than our blessings?  I see this list and am filled with anxiety and fear of not getting it done. Who will I let down? What will go unanswered? How can I prioritize what is all important? Am I enough? Will my energy hold out? The anticipation of the day grasp me by the core and began to wind itself around my peace.  But wait. I looked around and I have such a beautiful, peaceful home.  The little pitter patter of  puppy feet are the verse and the low snore of the old dog (dachshund, not husband) is the chorus.  I smell coffee and candle. I feel warm and “home.” How can one piece of paper steal that peace? 

Yet it does. And I allow it. I allow the serpent of uncertainty and anxiety slither around the tree of life that God has planted within me. So I denounce that plague. I cast him out with the ferocity of a daughter of the King.  Today I claim my blessings. Today I view this list as a tool, not my soul. My foundation is in the beauty that God has made my home. This list is just that, a list. Words on a page to help me remember the steps I need to take to accomplish goals that are human made.  In the book we are studying in my women’s class at church, Unclutter Your Soul by Trina McNeilly, she quotes Nora Ephron by saying, “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”  God didn’t create me to be a victim.  He created me to love, teach, laugh, serve, enjoy the life he has given me.  In our study of the Bible book-to-book, not once did I read of a to do list.  Not once did I read that Jesus said, “Hold on! Let me add that to my list!” or “Oh, I’ll get to that.  It is number 7 on the priorities.  My LIST says I have to do this first.” Did He have things to do? Yes, but He took care of the important over the urgent.  Christ’s focus was on relationship, not “the list.” When I picture my Jesus, He is calmly by my side listening, laughing, shaking His head thinking “oh, Anna Jo.”  I see the enemy carrying his list of the things he can use to pile on the anxiety and worry.  Christ works from love. Satan works from a list–one of distraction, anxiety, fear, condemnation.  

Now don’t get me wrong. Jesus had a to do list.  He came to this world with a mission to save us.  There was a protocol for Him to follow.  There were priorities and things He had to get done before crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension.  He did His list, but it did not dominate His every move.  His love for me did that.  His list was a tool. Satan’s list is a weapon. 

So, my random thoughts on what to write have branched into a preachy text, but I am convicted today.  I choose to use my list.  That is part of who I am, but owning that list.  It is my tool today.  That is all.  It is not my savior, my self worth, my value.  My list is simply a list of things I need to do for goals I have set.  The goals my Savior set for me are to love and be loved.  The list is my way of doing that.  Now, as I get ready to start my day, I am going to allow the shower to wash away any panic I might have of the day.  It will all get done…or it won’t. What doesn’t get done will be there tomorrow or it wasn’t important enough to accomplish.  My Jesus loves me no matter what my list looks like. So today I’ll count my blessings and name them one by one as I mark off items on my list.  I’ll count my many blessings and see what God hath done. (yes, I totally stole that from the hymn Count Your Blessings.  It’s my favorite…along with a hundred others!)

Until next time…

(preview–did you ever notice that Santa and satan use the same letters?  One is for good/one for evil. By simply rearranging letters we totally change the entire meaning…..  Bet I see a thought coming along!!!  Have a great, blessing filled, list checked off season!)