AJ and a LATTE

In my last post I referenced a wedding. Oh, it was beautiful–very God centered and a true celebration full of joy and an anticipation of a brilliant future.  I was planning to have a “Divine appointment” before returning home but I got one of those “gut feelings.”  We often hear people say, “I just had a gut feeling….”  I put a lot of stock in those feelings.  That is one area my Old Broad impressed upon me to truly listen. Through my years on this spinning rock I have figured out that the gut feeling is the center of so much.  I have had those core impulses my whole life.  The only times I can truly admit to living in regret are times I haven’t followed my gut.  I am certain without a doubt that when I listen to my core, I am listening to the voice of God.  And yes, my gut has weighed in on the big decisions, but it has also had its time in the little choices when my overwhelm was so high that it knew I couldn’t make even the small decisions.  I have called upon my inner Jiminy Cricket often.  All of this to say, one more time I had to choose whether to listen or to ignore that inner voice.   She told me to come home and not to take that trip alone. Thus, I am writing from a coffee shop in Lubbock rather than an Air B&B in Fredericksburg. It was totally the right decision. 

Do you have an inner voice, a Jiminy Cricket, who talks to you? Have you tested that voice before? Sometimes I think that my inner voice, the Holy Spirit within me, and God have fun playing with me.  I am obstinate.  That isn’t a new thought to anyone who has spent any time at all with me.  I am pretty obedient to that voice though.  I love a good crime novel.  Murder and mayhem speak to me much better than lovin’ and smoochin’!  Occasionally I will get one of “those” feelings that I am supposed to read/listen to  something different.  Today I had one of those feelings when I finished my current read.  I  love to check out audiobooks from the public library.  Today as I once again chose to listen to my inner little girl tell me to look for a different genre of book, the first suggestion in Libby was Daring Greatly by Brene’ Brown.  This book is one I have tried to check out many times previously but it has never been available before today.  It is about vulnerability and shame. I am ⅔ through the book Do The New You on Audible by Pastor Steven Furtick.  The two books could hold hands and walk down the self-help aisle together!!! Hi. My name is Anna Jo, and I am a closet self-help junkie.  These two books both are yelling at me!!!  There isn’t any speaking going on.  Little aj, that inner voice, is jumping up and down going “SEE!!!!!  I told you!!!!” Both are about living authentically and working toward a vulnerability that allow you to live the life God has chosen give you.  They are about becoming the best Godly version (not perfect, but perfectly made) of yourself. 

That is exactly where I want to live!!!  Unapologetically me!   Contrary to my public persona, I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what other people think. I have the private paranoia of wanting to be (fill in the blank–pretty enough, smart enough, popular enough, capable enough).  I am a perfect creation in the image of the Father, yet I still worry.  Is worry really silent blasphemy? Why shun who I was created to be? How many children have I told that God made them on purpose and He doesn’t make mistakes!!!  My divine appointment happened in the shallows of my own house as I cleaned out the drawers in my dressing area.  I didn’t have to find the ideal writer’s nook with the setting that has jumped off the pages of a novel.  God came to me in my pjs up to my elbows in powder, dust and dog hair to tell me that my own version of vulnerability, my own innerworkings, are exactly what He has designed for me! To live authentically, vulnerably as Anna Jo is His plan for me. 

Now that I have received the message, it is time for me to do the work. There are so many areas that Little aj and I have to work on.  We will begin that work in prayer then follow up with our counselor.  Crystal may have her work cut out for her.  Perhaps I should follow along and introduce you to the players I meet along the way.  So far I know Little aj will be the central character and I have a little fire fighter who works so hard to try to keep me safe. If you want to follow the journey, fasten your seatbelt and dust off your imagination.  You are about to take a trip into my inner-workings.  Haha! The picture in my mind is that of the Magic School Bus on a field trip into my psyche.  Perhaps along the way you can find a little nugget to speak to your soul as well.

Here are my two little folks that we’ve met so far:

Little aj:  the little girl version of me who has not been jaded by the world.  She is the one who hides in there wondering why the hurts happen and wants to burst out and show the world how special she is.

Monte: (short for Montreal–I don’t know, it’s just his name) The firefighter who is working so very hard to keep me safe from the outside world.  He looks a bit like a minion in a poorly fit firefighter’s outfit.  Should I mention he doesn’t have to wear shoes?  Random, I know.  He isn’t big on vulnerability.  He and little aj have already established that she is okay and strong.  I hope he is open to more growth.  He has lightened up a lot and has a secret desire to go play, but he is afraid to leave his post.

The setting is around a beautiful big old tree with a swing that is somewhere deep in East Texas.  I love the base of this old tree.  I don’t know where it is.  I know I must have been there at some point and I know I must have felt safe there.  

The pallet is set. Now to paint the journey.  Will you join me?

Until next time…