AJ and a LATTE

I am going to share the first lyrics from the song Changes from Shrek 2 by David Bowie performed by Butterfly Boucher.

Still don’t know what I was looking for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Everytime I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpses
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer one
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different one.

written by David Bowie performed by Butterfly Boucher

This song has been the backdrop of the last few and next couple of months.  With so much change in my life I almost feel like an imposter in my new normal.  I loved my career with kids.  Teaching students from 5 years old to 18 years old was my passion.  Loving kids and wanting each to feel like a favorite was my goal.  Sometimes I succeeded; sometimes I failed.  I felt in my skin–natural–like I was supposed to be there.  Even during my burnout when I didn’t think that was the path I wanted, I always knew I was where God wanted me.  Then He opened the door to where I am now.  I left all I know.  This summer has definitely been eye opening!

THE NEW JOB:

I took the position of administrative assistant in the School of Creative Arts at Wayland Baptist University.  Though I worked on Fridays during the spring semester, I began full time here June 2.  My predecessor told me that summers were slow.  Now, anyone who knows me knows slow is not my modus operandi.  This summer I have learned to be still.  Many days being the only one in the building has given me the opportunity to listen, think, be still.  

What I have learned from that time:

Throughout my life I have been looking for contentment, peace.  I didn’t know what that looked like and I still am not 100% sure what that looks like for me, but I have longed to love not only what I do but who I am doing it.  Through counseling, I have had to start taking some pretty hard looks at myself.  I have talked to the little girl within me and really listened to what she had to say about her growth, her hurts, her insecurities.  For years I have functioned from her place of fear and intense self-scrutiny.  (Still don’t know what I was looking for; And my time was running wild.)  In spending time and much introspection I see that I have sought over and over the approval of others to fulfill the deep seated desire to please.  My self worth is completely tied up in the opinions of others.  When I would find that approval in one area, someone else’s opinion would creep in and I would then seek that approval. (A million dead-end streets and every time I thought I’d got it made; It seemed the taste was not so sweet.)  So this summer, in the quiet, I have looked at myself.  Have you ever really just taken a long hard look at yourself?  There are some places within me that are still tied up in that frightened little girl who needed someone else to tell her she is okay.  At 53 years old, it is time to realize that I don’t have to be “a faker.” (So I turned myself to face me; But I’ve never caught a glimpse; Of how the others must see the faker; I’m much too fast to take that test.)  

I am made in the image of my God.  Why is anyone else’s approval necessary?!  I wish I had a dollar for every time I have told a student there are two people you have to be at peace with: your mirror and your Maker.  Time to face that little girl and tell her that Older Her is ready to embrace her fully as she is–smart mouth, scissor wit, quick temper–all of her.  Besides those flaws, she loves generously, supports/fights/defends ferociously, and gives endlessly.  I am beautifully and wonderfully made…in the image of my Father.  Who do I have to impress if He is pleased with me? 

CHANGES AT HOME:

From birth we raised the kid to be independent in thought and action.  We have encouraged him to be a seeker and to figure things out.  We have pushed him to be strong and think and speak for himself.  Yes, there have been many times that has led to negotiating “with a terrorist,” but it has led to a beautiful place as well.  He is ready (as ready as one can be) to fly.  There will be dips in his path.  There will be failures and heartache.  There will be hard times and struggles.  He is equipped to fight through those.  We will ALWAYS be here, but he is ready.  He is marrying his heart’s desire; she is wonderful.  They are moving away from us. They will have to figure life out on their own.  For this we have prepared him.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?????  From the beginning we prepare them to leave us!  Haha! What a bittersweet realization.  All the while of loving him and grooming him to be a man, I was preparing to break my own heart.  But it is a beautiful break.  In the pain and sorrow, I am gaining my daughter.  I am watching them soar and become their own people, together.  I built that runway so he could take off and fly.  (Turn and face the strange).  

I remember the excitement and the terror of taking off on my own.  Though our paths are different, he is a big part of his mama and (as was established early on) when he opens his mouth, I often fall out.  From his point of view, I need to let him go with joy.  I have done my job.  I have given him tools and taught him how to use them.  Now it is up to him.  So, I will cry the tears of pride and joy.  I just won’t tell him that some of those tears are for the loss of my little boy to the man he is.  I won’t tell him that some of those tears are because I am no longer #1.  I won’t tell him that those tears are now from the back seat as he has a new co-pilot.  I love her. I trust her.  I am giving her my heart.  (Changes)
So much is changing, but I’m okay. Just gonna have to be a different one.  I am excited. As these changes all unfold, I don’t have to follow anyone else’s mold or pattern.  There isn’t a blueprint.  I am going to love my new kids and my faculty.  I am going to thrive on GOING HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY! I am going to have a new place and new people to love while maintaining beautiful relationships from before.  I am going to learn to love impromptu road trips. I am going to embrace the empty nest with the spouse. I am going to love the commute time with my Daddy-on-the-phone date in the morning and quiet time on the drive home.  I am going to cherish the texts and phone calls that come from the kid and his beautiful wife.  I have no one else’s path to travel but my own.  Changes….